Hello
Bigbrother! This is your egbon speaking. Please come to the diary room for
questioning.’
‘Huh? This
is my what? Who the hell is my egbon? I am Bigbrother and nobody summons me to
any diary room.’
‘Shut your
mouth Bigbrother and listen very carefully. I am your egbon. That means I am
your bigger brother and you have to show me some respect. And If I want you in
the diary room, you go there without a grumble. continue..
And listen Bigbrother, you
better take your hands off your pocket and wipe that fake baritone off your
voice when talking to your egbon. Olori buruku omo ti o ni respect. Are you
still standing there? You have less than a minute to put on a shirt and present
yourself for questioning in the diary room.’
‘Please sit
down Bigbrother, you are now in egbon’s diary room and in the course of this
session, no argument will be tolerated. You are only allowed to speak when
answering a question. And you are only permitted to answer my questions with
“Yes egbon” or “No egbon.” Have I made myself very clear Bigbrother?’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘Very good,
now my first question, Bigbrother, are you aware that your ratings have dropped
tremendously?’
‘Yes egbon.’
‘And do you
have any contingency plan to salvage this situation?’
‘No egbon.’
‘Why don’t
you have a contingency plan? Isn’t that what any intelligent person would do?’
‘Yes egbon
but nobody would have thought my ratings would crash at any point considering
my platform.’
Moving on
Bigbrother, tell me, was it part of your initial plan for people to be
subjected to those troubling scenes which are corrupting the morals of their
children?’
‘Ehmm yes
egbon, that was actually the plan. That is why it is called a reality TV show.’
‘So you are
saying that the smoking of marijuana and drinking alcohol are also part of this
reality?’
‘Egbon,
these house mates are no kids and some of them are chain smokers and drunkards
outside TV. So, why make them pretend on TV? Moreover, making money is the
objective and you and I know that immorality sells faster than anything on TV.’
‘Bigbrother,
I want you to be very honest with your answer to the next question.’
‘Ok egbon
trust me.’
‘I was told
you have two daughters, can you lock any or both of them in the same house with
strangers from other countries for months and allow them have random sex and
shower naked under camera surveillance with the whole world watching?’
‘Egbon
sincerely I won’t.’
‘Why won’t
you? But you told me in clear terms that the main objective of your show is to
promote mutual coexistence between Africans from various countries.’
‘Egbon my
children are schooling and they are not cut out for things like this.’
‘Oh, you
mean other people’s children are good to coexist but yours can’t ehn
Bigbrother?’
‘Egbon, my
daughters are very fragile and they get bruised easily. But are you accusing me
of taking advantage of the contestants or the public? I never forced anybody to
subscribe to my show. Also the contestants knew what they were getting into
from the outset. Nobody forced them to participate. And egbon, how come nobody
talks about my $300,000 that the winner takes home every season? How come
nobody talks about the fact that I am turning these guys into celebrities? Most
of them were on the streets and I gave them opportunities. People should stop
this undeserved criticism.’
‘But are you
aware that people are referring to what you have here as a modern day concentration
camp?’ ‘Egbon, I have never heard that term before.’
‘Yes of
course you haven’t. But you must have heard that most religious leaders are
clamouring for your outright ban?’
‘Egbon,
don’t make me laugh, I can assure you that those ones are the addicted viewers
of the shower hour. Egbon, abeg leave the religious leaders, I don’t have time
for their hypocrisy.’
‘Ok,
Bigbrother, tell me the first thing that went through your mind when you heard
your show was banned by the Malawian government.’
‘Egbon sincerely
I just laughed at the jokers and knew such ban won’t last and like I predicted,
it didn’t.’
‘So who was
responsible for the lifting of the ban?’
‘Egbon I am
Bigbrother but you of all people should know that I have bigger brothers.’
‘Yes I am one
of your bigger brothers and I was sent here by others because we are all losing
patience with the drop of income. And before I leave here Bigbrother, let me
inform you that the other financiers including myself would love to know your
plans to increase your ratings.’
‘Egbon,
there is no need to worry. Just tell them they will start making a lot of more
money very soon.’
‘Bigbrother
please cut the crap and give us something tangible. What exactly do you have in
mind?’
‘Egbon I am
introducing other side attractions like lap dancing and stripping from next
season. It will be tagged “Bigbrother the Erotica.” I know a lot of people will
call for my head at first but trust me egbon, like shower hour, it will be
another hit and income from sms will pour in like water from a broken dam.’
‘That would
be fantastic Bigbrother. But don’t you consider that kids are watching?’
‘Egbon
that’s why we have PG regulations and this new additions can only be viewed by
special subscribers.’
‘Bigbrother
I can assure you that these additions will most definitely bring about your
end. You will be butchered from left, right and centre.’
‘Forget that
tin, egbon. Like 2baba would say, nothing dey happen.
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